I really loved today's NaBloPoMo prompt "what is the hardest part about a beginning?" It followed yesterday's post so well, I decided to ponder it for a bit. Yesterday I took a deep breath and opened the door on a subject I have been very hesitant to talk about...my struggles with anxiety. And what happened? Lots of things, of course. First-I worried about it. (duh) What does one who struggles with anxiety do, naturally?! I worried about what people would think when they read what I'd written. That I would get all sorts of feedback telling me to suck it up, and to quit whining. (for the record, that did NOT happen and the comments were exactly the lifeline I needed. y'all are amazing and wonderful!) Second, I got stuck for most of the day. I plopped this statement out there and then couldn't move, so to speak. I didn't know what to do next. Even once I'd gotten home I found myself starting and stopping most of the evening. Thank god for a husband who loves me as much as mine does. If not for him, I'd still be leaning up against the living room wall wondering if I should take a bath, make a mug of coffee, or continue to stand and listen to CNN. (face palm!) Third, and this is the most important, I decided on what my next step is going to be...
I am going to be making a phone call today to my nurse midwife. No...I am not pregnant! However, I think she is the best place to start. So much of this is cyclical (with random offshoots that I think aren't very frequent at all). I think she will be a much better place to begin. Plus, she is holistic in her approach to healing, which I really love. If she cannot help me, she will certainly be able to point me in the right direction, as she has done before. I am a bit nervous to make the call (drat to you anxiety) but at the same time feel myself getting control over the run away train my life feels like right now. And that my friends is my answer to today's prompt. Getting control over the beginning to figure out what my second, third and subsequent steps will be. That's the hardest part for me. Once I have that figured out, I'm good to go. But beginnings, they overwhelm me.
I would like to thank each and every one of you who sent me comments yesterday. I cannot tell you what a lifeline they were. I know we hear so often that the Internet is a wretched place, but yesterday you proved that theory wrong. You reached out across the expanse of social media to comfort a person you've never met. That means more than you might ever know. Thank you, from the bottomest of my grateful heart.
notes from the middle
