Friday, October 15, 2010

my worst qualities

It's funny, when you have a baby, you imagine that they'll have your eyes, your spouses smile, a family hair color, etc.  All the goodness that has been brought together by two families in your marriage or relationship you somehow think will be funneled into this tiny creature.  And for a while, you are convinced it is possible.  Then you begin to really know your child.  One day you have your "come to Jesus moment" and realize that one of your worst qualities has been passed along to your little angel.  Lately I have had to admit that our son has my childhood irrational fears.  At one point, he was a brave little boy...roaring his roar at the world.  But sometime this past spring began to develop fears of loud noises and things that went bump in the night.  Trains in the distance, in particular, seemed to scare him the most.  When we were in crowds at sporting events, he would clap those hands to his ears in a death grip.  The garage door going down could send him into a shaking fit.  When I saw the scared look creep over his face, and the fear enter his eyes I knew all too well how he felt.  As an adult, I handle my own phobias much better, but when I was little they held a death grip on me.  I want to look him in the eyes, hold his little hands and tell him all is well.  We will keep him safe.  But I know better.  I know that there are not enough words in the world to make him overcome this.  There are not enough hugs, kisses, pats, blankies, stories, lights on, or extra tuckings in to make it better.  It just is.  I hate that he has inherited this from me.  Not because I hate that he is skittish.  No, that isn't it at all.  I just hate that my little man has to feel that same gripping fear that I so well remember from childhood, and at times, as an adult.  After all, who wants their child to fear things in life?  I wish I could have only passed along my very best to him, and in many ways I did.  But, he got some of the bad too.  Much like the days in our life...he will have to take the bad with the good and make do.  I just love him extra hard to make up for it.

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