Friday, October 5, 2012

Jerkself

Sometimes I am a Big Fat Jerk.  Sometimes it is only in my head.  Like when I think mean thoughts at someone.  Sometimes it is when I'm driving my car and lose my patience at someone.  Sometimes it is when I'm talking to my friends and turn catty.  Sometimes it is passive. Sometimes it isn't. We all have jerky sides to our personalities.  You know exactly what I mean by this too.  We say mean things.  We take our feet and insert them in our mouths.  It happens.  The Big Fat Jerk monster comes out of nowhere and takes control over our power of speech.  When the Big Fat Jerk monster passes we turn into big puddles of guilt and remorse. 

I'm bad at apologies.  Not because I think I'm wrong.  I think I'm wrong all the time.  I was born feeling guilty and wrong.  It is the Catholic in my gene pool.  I always worry about how I could have possibly wronged someone.  I have a complex.  No, my inability to apologize well stems from my deep fear of conflict.  I worry that if I apologize for my clear wrong-doing as a Big Fat Jerk, I'll end up getting involved in some conflict.  And I want to avoid conflict at all cost.  So then I get into this hamster wheel of feeling bad, needing to apologize, wanting to avoid conflict, rinse and repeat. 

Today I was a Big Fat Jerk.  I bit the bullet and apologized.  And the thing is that the person I was a Big Fat Jerk to had already moved on.  They were okay.  They know me well enough to know that my Big Fat Jerk monster had taken over and I would eventually be fine.  No one can punish me better than me.  Sigh. 

So what's my point?  When you find that you're being a Big Fat Jerk, it is totally cool if you take a few deep breaths, step away, and apologize.  Don't beat yourself up too much.  We all do this.  We all have ugly parts of our selves that creep out sometimes.  Cut yourself a little slack.  Ask for forgiveness.  Then...forgive yourself.  Because your Big Fat Jerkself isn't who you are all the time.  Really you're a super-awesome human who makes mistakes. 

Moving on.